The week-long Diwali party binge is here. And with the season’s latest fits we’re going to be bumping into the season's favourite misfits. From the busybodies to the showoffs, these serial partygoers are sure to test you and remind you that the festive season is incomplete without a series of socially awkward encounters.
Imagine turning up at a Diwali party and realising that that Nosy Aunty who gives you all the hot gossip about who is single, swapping and/or swiping isn’t there this time? Or Cardsharp Uncle, who will raise the stakes as often as he orders a round of shots for everyone? Tbh, we love to hate them. But without them, no Diwali party would be complete. Here are the six main characters you are most likely to encounter at every Diwali party in town.
The obnoxious 20-something ‘bro’ influencer
We all know them. These people call everyone bro (even their grandparents) and have a podcast dedicated to discussing the most boring things that no one really cares about, like...protein powder. Living by the mantra ‘Do less, document more, and get sponsored’, they flood Instagram with top-angle #FestiveVibes selfies. Decked out in borrowed indie-brand outfits (#supportlocal #gifted), you’ll find them in top form at every party, taking pictures of everything—and pouting non-ironically in all of them.
The armchair environmentalist
These are Greta Thunberg’s loyal disciples, on a mission to save Diwali from itself and us from having fun. They are the green warriors armed with reusable bags, solar-powered diyas, whose entire personality is built around eco-shaming others and reminding them how everything they do is singlehandedly destroying the planet. An armchair activist at best, their sustainability brags are most often limited to online petitions and IG posts, rather than any real action. With a zeal that borders on obsession, they evangelise sustainable practices, making you wonder if they will recycle your thoughts, too. We’re not pro-crackers either, but must you be so damn preachy?
The resident ‘gup’ collector
Armed with a PhD in Other People’s Business and the sharpest ears, they know everything about everyone, and have no qualms discussing their ‘research’. Their conversations go straight from “Happy Diwali!” to “Did you know XYZ is secretly dating their yoga instructor?” before they’ve even had a drink. They can dish out dirt on your neighbour’s cousin’s dog’s love life or point out who’s repeated last year’s outfits all while keeping an eye out for the chicken tikka server. And if you’re single, they will, without doubt, grill you about your marriage plans, introduce you to someone awful, or talk about how they’re going to introduce you to someone awful.
The new-age socialite
They are on their third party of the night when you meet. With them, every story kicks off with, “You know, when I was at brunch with *insert name of very famous Bollywood celeb here*...” Their favourite topic to discuss? All the coveted parties they have been invited to, but no one else is. You might accuse them of making up their whole life, but alas, their curated, filtered IG is full of pics with their celeb bffs. Every night, while you eat your girl dinner and browse Netflix, they glide through the city’s most elite gatherings, shimmering in bespoke statement-y fits. And if you’re ever lucky enough to be invited to the same soirées they attend, trust that they have already networked with the entire room before you even showed up.
The high-flying, stake-raising jerk
Meet the ultimate gambler, for whom ‘fun’ means making everyone else at the cards table feel like a pauper. This loud-and-proud high-roller can often be spotted in a black Kunal Rawal or a navy Rohit Gandhi ensemble. It’s like they’re waiting for you to meekly suggest “Let’s keep the stakes low” to screech “I’m raising the blind to 10k!” Their mantra? ‘Go big or go home.’ And by ‘home’, they mean the bank, where they’ll proudly deposit their winnings. Ugh.
The Mr I’d-Rather-Be-Anywhere-But-Here
The Grumpy Cat of Diwali, they are that one wet blanket who always looks exhausted (though they’ve never worked a day in their life), and who’d rather undergo a root canal without anaesthesia than be present at a “sho-sha” Diwali gathering. So where does one find this delightful creature? Sitting alone in the corner and radiating boredom, of course, while texting their friends about how they can’t wait to get out of this hellhole and go for their way cooler “after-party scene”. Their expertise? Rolling their eyes, and answering everyone in monosyllables that are expertly crafted to convey utter disdain. Le sigh.
