No Worries is a monthly column exploring the ever-evolving and ever-confusing world of modern relationships. Whether it’s with a judgy parent, a friend being weird, a toxic ex, or an insufferable colleague, relationships are not easy. DM us on Instagram (we'll keep it anonymous) or ask for a friend—your guide Cheryl-Ann Couto is here to help.
Q.
I’m surrounded by friends who are very popular, and doing great things at work. It’s not like I’m some sit-at-home lady, I also work for a well-known company, but my job in sales is a bit lacklustre compared to the stories my friends have from a regular workday. Every time we meet, I just sink into a corner, listening to their daily successes and all the things they are set to achieve. In comparison, my life is pretty bland, with work that gets me a comfortable salary, but won’t leave a lasting impact if I were to quit tomorrow. I often feel jealous of their accomplishments, though I never show it. Sometimes I think they don’t even know what I do, and I’m okay with that, but of late, I have been avoiding them for post-work drinks since I have nothing to add. I suspect they will soon find out I’m just an Average Joe, with none of that competitive spirit they all have in common. Should I look for something else or should I just accept what I’ve got?
A.
Dear Selling-yourself-short,
I don’t know what your friends’ jobs are, but in a world ruled by podcasters, astro babes, and culture consultants, I can see why being in sales might have you feeling like a have-not. For one, it’s entirely low on vibes. I bet nobody asks follow-up questions like “Ooh what does that involve?” and “How do you make money?” and “Would you come on my podcast?” when you tell them what you do. And one cannot honestly underplay the loneliness of a vibes deficit at this moment in time. So you have my sympathies.
But difficult as your predicament is, it could always be worse; you could be in HR. Or your feelings of inadequacy about your work could be about more than just performance anxiety at group drinks. Any movement towards feeling better will need you to determine how deep your embarrassment really runs, and whether your friends’ popularity and accomplishments are the source, or merely the trigger of how bad you feel.
One way to get there is to block the urge to deflect and instead, focus on the bad feelings. Stop swatting at them with disclaimers like how it’s not actually that bad, you’re fine—and look at them squarely until they reveal what’s actually going on. You might discover that it is, in fact, only a case of comparisonitis, and that when you’re not placing it against your friends’ stories, you actually rather rate your Average Joe job, your predictable salary deposit at the end of each month, and the safety of a revenue-essential role in a mercurial economy as wonderful! Nobody will admit it, but delivering on your KPIs and then going home to the rest of your life is ambition, too, and possibly the more daring professional dream in these times. Allow the awareness to sink in, to ease your self-consciousness, perhaps even to inspire you to take up space when the conversation comes around to you—talk about the deals you closed, or better still, the ones you didn’t (funny over flexing every time).
Or maybe you’ll find it is the second option: your friends’ achievements are not generating your disaffection, only underscoring it. Maybe all that job security tipped into ennui and complacency. Maybe there are chances you want to take, ideas you want to build on, adrenaline you want jolts of. Maybe there was another dream before the tide carried you into an MBA. If that is the case, refer once more to the part where you actually have it pretty good.
Remember, your stick-in-the-mud sales job is not just a flex, but also a firm grip from which to conduct any explorations. You could start to ask the questions and see where they lead you: Are you interested in vertical growth or horizontal? Within your organisation, role, and sector, or outside of it? Is it even professional growth you really seek, or personal? Did you just want to learn to play padel and become a face-yoga practitioner? Use the predictability of your days and time to cook how you will take your wishes and whimsies from Notes to reality.
A happy little side effect of embarking on this journey is that you now have so much to share at future group get-togethers! Show them the blueprints, draw them the vision, allow them to hype you, advise you, be the first to follow your new Insta page that doesn’t have any posts yet. The vibes now? Immaculate.
